dear เอม่าน

hi ex-crush,

how are you doing? i hope you're doing fine. you deserve much more peace without me in your life. tujuan i wrote this entry just to clear unsettled things in my heart and mind before enters 2023. its because i cant talk to you anymore. i feel like you dont even want me as friend.

as you wish, we're just like stranger now and its kinda hurt me. but i know its also hard to remain as friends since i think i still have feelings for you while you have none. i don't know, babe. it's not fair for me. i stuck here too long while you already move on (i think so). but im happy with my life now.

your presence in my life since 2017 brings colours in my life. i don't know why i feels attracted to you since then until now. i really don't know. i crush on you for too long and didnt even know why. no explanation i can say.

i think i should just crush on you je sejak dulu. should not make any move or give hints to you. we should not have any interaction. all those/ours interactions before just make us hurt je (but cant deny im also happy get to know you, my qtpie). but still we should not do that. because youre too hard too forget. deym not fair

i have a diary that i used to write since we start talking. but i kinda stop writing it because its always triggered me. it triggers me to miss you more. fuck that. but that diary does mean a lot to me. most of the pages are already dried from my tears. but ni worries, i don't cry for men anymore. wasteful tears.

i don't really know what to write here but i have the urge to talk to you and didn't know why. i feel so pathetic right now because writing and thinking about someone who didn't spend a second thinking about me.

don't worry. im not gonna disturb you anymore. i will just go with the flow. even on your birthday, i try not to wish you because i don't want to ruin your best day. but never think that i did not care about you. i will just read surah yasiin for you as a gift just like usual. thats the only gift i can gave you from far.

no. i don't want you in my life anymore. its because i know you deserve the best and im not the best. im lack in everything. thus, im a mess, toxic and i don't want you to be affected by it. and one more thing, we don't speak the same language.

we failed on communication. our communication was really bad. im the type will hold on my feeling and you don't even want to talk about your feeling. thats sad. i hope your next partner will read you like a book and understand you. i can't understand you.

talking about move on, i think im already moved on. but everytime someone (guy) try to approach me, i feel like im cheating on you or maybe i feel like i don't want to restart my love life again. i hope it just take time and not forever. i also deserve love and i really want to build a family someday. but for now, i really tried to get to know new people.

sadly whenever they gave me the positive feedback and want to step up relationship from friend to more, i always totally cut them off because i feel awkward and not ready for them to access my life. i don't understand does adulthood is this mess or im the one yang being a problem?

not to lie, sometimes im crushing on new people i've met. but at the end of the day, its still remind me of you. my thought is that if you step in my life again, i will always accept you. you already book a soft spot in my heart. you really do even i kinda hate you.

though, i hope you don't experience what i feels. i hope you will meet someone who can love you more and better than me. beautiful, flawless and skillful than me. someone who always ready to learn you, to understand you and did not make you feel bored like what i did.

tbh, im a boring girl. especially with the one i loved. i can talk to 937272 guys casually, but not to the one i loved. i can't talk normally with you. i feel nervous and blank all the time when you around me (beforelah, now we're very far away by kilometres and heart).

dahlah. my entry was really boring tonight. i don't really have motive to write. just a random entry. i hope you didn't find this entry until forever. if you do, i think you know this is for you. you will know.

but hey, i have a playlist for you. maybe next entry. but nvm. fck it. i already move onlah sheeyttt!!!! why do i still goyah ni deymmm

i hate you. i hate you for make me feeling like this and make me stuck on you, orang baik.

i hate you with all my guts, love.

(fck what do i write in 2am but no one reads anyway, maybe this is why i should never stayed up)